FEBRUARY 24, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

BIG TIPS

Decoding the personals

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I'm back again and ready to regale you with my own opinions and helpful hints on love: "Tip for single Pisces-Change your sheets two days before, if you anticipate sex with someone new, so the bed still smells like soap, but it's not too obvious," and life: “If all five toes stick out through the holes, it's not a sock anymore."

I've also had this floating desire to figure out what kind of Chronicle personal ad would yield the most luscious and cheap companionship. Have you snouted out any unique information about your city's activities, haunts or denizens? Favorite toys? Snack recipes? Dirty love secrets? Lay it on me. It could be your moment in the sun-a rare thing this time of the year.

Dear MT "TBT" M,

GWF, NS, ND seeks LTR with information. I love perusing the personals, but it seems that more and more of the important information is being written in secret code and I've lost my Nancy Drew Decoder Ring. Although I've come up with some amusing guesses as to what some of them might mean, none of them seems likely. Can you give me some tips on how to crack the code? Or at least fill me in on some of the more common abbreviations? Thanks!

CIA (Confused In Akron)

Dear Cunning, If (un)Aware, Well, it's terribly flattering, and a bit forward I might add, for you to ask for a LTR (Ad-lish translation: "Long Term Relationship"), but I'll chalk it up to your fresh-faced lack of familiarity with the (abbreviated) Lange D'Amore, or your weakness for my witty, yet heartfelt, straight-shootin' repar-

tee.

A recent perusal of ads (in another publication which will not be named here) didn't turn up much in the way of really obscure abbreviations. You used to see a lot more B&D ("Bondage & Discipline"), TT (“Tit Torture"), etc., but I guess that, since these terms have trickled down via Madonna and MTV to T-shirts worn by 13-year-old skateboarders, those mysteries have been revealed and rendered pedestrian.

I really try not to be annoyed by HWP, which stands for "Height/Weight Proportionate," but frankly, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Basically, it's a thinly (so to speak) veiled version of my former fave "no fats, no fems." The reality is that when we write personals, it's important to be specific, because we're shopping for something in particular, so body shape is something that's totally reasonable to specify, but HWP perpetuates that darned idea that there is one correct, attractive, healthful body shape. Augh!

The most bone-headed one, in my humble estimation, is "no STDs." First of all, you're cutting out a huge chunk of datable people who could very well be living responsibly with whatever it is they might have. It also encourages lying and that tenuous denial ("they said they didn't have anything, and I probably don't . . ."), and doesn't acknowledge the fact that someone might have something and not know. Boys and girls: no glove, no love; I mean it.

Whoops, tripped on my soapbox. Also, some publications (including the Chronicle) run a list of the most commonly used abbreviations. Look for that information in the same section of the paper as the personal ads. Good luck cracking the code!

Dear Ms. Martone:

I have a bit of difficulty I was wondering if you could address. I am a male to female transsexual woman who is looking for a group of strong, friendly local women to interact with. I am very young in myself and am seeking role models to help me grow into myself. Sadly, I am still very much pre-op, but progressing, so there are still some physical anomalies that would need to be overlooked. (Electrolysis is so much fun.) Any suggestions or thoughts you might have on this issue would be greatly appreciated. Young in Central Ohio

Dear Stripling Sister:

It's too bad that you're not looking for a group of weak, nasty women who live far away, because my address book is full of them. Fortunately, however, I've only met strong, friendly women in my town, and they seem damned easy to find. Whenever I'm friend shopping, I start by volunteering somewhere. The people you meet that way are generally folks who make the time to look outside of themselves, and are already predisposed to carving out time from their busy schedules. Besides, there's that Wiccan thing: whatever you put out in the world comes back to you threefold. Or someone comes and folds your laundry-I can't quite remember, but basically, put out and it'll come rollin' back to shore.

Consider volunteering at a local AIDS foundation: believe me, if you want to meet strong women, look in the AIDS movement. Check the pages of this paper for other groups to work with. You could also go the personal ad route: they're really shedding their historically cheesy image, and I have several friends who have developed great friendships, and maybe more, with people they've met through ads.

Unfortunately, there are some women in the lesbian community who want to maintain some type of cultural "purity" by avoiding people who don't fit their particular standards of what a real lesbian is. My patience for this is nonexistent. It is foolish and dangerous to fantasize about a monolithic, homogeneous culture. Our strength is in the diversity of our lives, experiences and re-

sources.

Also, you can call the gay and lesbian hotline in your area and find out if there are any drop-in groups or meetings that might be of interest to you. These are good places to hash out issues you may be dealing with, and as this gal knows, there's no better place to meet people than in a meeting. Best wishes on your journey. ♡

If you have a question for M.T. Martone, scribble it down and send it to "the Big Tipper," c/o the Gay People's Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101, or email Chron Ohio@aol.com (on America Online: Chron Ohio).

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